Absolutely Free Funny Bar Jokes and Humour
A termite walked into a bar and said: "Is the bar tender here?"
A guy walked into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He put them down on a stool and said to the bartender: "I'll have a Scotch and soda." and the crocodile added: "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The bartender was amazed, "That's incredible," he gasped, "I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" "He can't," said the guy. "The chicken's a ventriloquist"
A man walked into a bar. Ow! It was an iron bar.
Dion walked into a bar. "Why the long face?" said the bartender.
customer walked into a bar and started dialling numbers on his hand
as if it were a phone. The bartender looked at him warily, "Look,"
warned the bartender, "I don't know what you're up to, but
this is a tough neighbourhood and I don't want any trouble." The
customer said: "I'm not out to cause trouble, I promise. Let
me explain. I'm very hi-tech and I had a phone installed in my
hand because I got tired of carrying around my mobile." The
bartender looked at him as if he were a crank, "I don't believe
a word of it." "OK," said the customer, "I'll
prove it to you," And he pressed the digits on his hand, held
his wrist up to his ear and began conducting a conversation. Then
he gave his hand to the bartender and, to the bartender's amazement,
he could hear a voice coming
through the hand."That's incredible," said the bartender
at the end of the call. "I was able to talk to someone through
your hand." "It's
ingenious," said the customer. "It means I can keep in touch
with my broker, my wife, anyone, without needing a conventional phone.
By the way, where is the men's
room?" The bartender directed
him down the corridor to the toilets but began to get a bit
worried when the customer hadn't returned
20 minutes later. Knowing of the reputation of the neighbourhood,
he thought he'd better go and check that he was all right. On opening
the door, he found the customer spreadeagled against the wall,
with his pants down and a roll of toilet paper rammed up his butt. "Oh
God," exclaimed the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you
hurt?" "No, I'm fine," answered the customer.
"I'm just waiting for a fax."
hamburgers walked into a bar. The bartender said: "Sorry, we
don't serve food."
A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender: "I've got this great Polish joke." The bartender glared at him and warned him: "Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I'm Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish." "OK," said the guy. "I'll tell it slowly."
A guy walked into a bar. The bartender said: "You've got a steering wheel down your pants.""Yeah, I know," said the guy. "It's driving me nuts!"
A man went into a bar and ordered a succession of Martinis. After
each one, he removed the olive and put it into a jar. After two
hours, the bartender felt compelled to ask: "Why do you keep
doing that?" "Because," slurred the man,
"my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."
A man walked into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He said:
"I'll have a beer please, and one for the road."
A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said: "Hey, we
have a drink named after you." The grasshopper said:
"You have a drink named Marlon?"
A vagrant walked into a bar and was told by the bartender to get out "All right," said the vagrant, "If you give me a cocktail stick, I'll leave." So the bartender handed him a cocktail stick and he left. Two minutes later, another vagrant came in. Again, the bartender ordered him to leave. "Very well," said the vagrant, "Give me a cocktail stick and I'll go." . So the bartender handed him a cocktail stick and he left. Two minutes later, a third vagrant entered the bar. The bartender immediately offered him a cocktail stick to leave "don't want a cocktail stick," said the vagrant. "I want a straw. Give me a straw and I'll go." The bartender was puzzled. "How come you want a straw when the other two wanted cocktail sticks?" "Well," said the vagrant, "someone's been sick outside and now all the lumpy bits have gone."
man was sitting quietly at the bar when the bartender presented him
with a riddle. "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother,
and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The man thought for a minute
but then gave up. "It
was me, you idiot!" exclaimed the bartender triumphantly.
The man thought it was a good trick
and decided to play it on his wife when he got home. He announced:
"My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my
sister. Who was it?"His wife looked at him blankly and gave up.
sheriff walked into a bar and said: "Has anyone seen Brown Paper
Jake? He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a
brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown
paper jacket?" The bartender said: "What's he wanted for?" "Rustlin'."
A baby seal walked into a bar and sat down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. The baby seal said: "Anything but a Canadian Club."