Absolutely Free Funny Bar Jokes and Humour



Short Drink Jokes

Long Drink Jokes

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Dirty Limericks

30 Ladies Sayings

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Short Dirty Jokes

Mens Facts on Women


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So your daughter's a hooker, and it
spoiled your day. Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping. I thought it was
flat. When I looked at the tire...I noticed
your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you, How upset
you must be. But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that
we've been together, I can't help but
wonder? What the fuck was I thinking?


Congratulations on your wedding day...
too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as
you... have such an ugly baby?


I've always wanted to have someone
to hold, someone to love. After having met
you... I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into
my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go... would you like to take
this knife out of my back? You'll probably
need it again.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
almost lifelike!


When we were together, you always said
you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long
time... what say we stop?


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday... so we're having
you put to sleep.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only
in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)

Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man
give wife upright organ.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to
best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war
determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find
him in cat house.
It take many nails to build crib, but one
screw to fill it.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

10 Signs that You Might be Gay

- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.

- You wake up each morning and scratch someone
else's balls.

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!
2. More Honey for your Money!
3. More Gash for your Cash!
4. More Hole for your Pole!
5. More Head for your Bread!
6. More Booty for your Looty!
7. More Strange for your Change!
8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!
9. Will suck for a buck!


G-String Beans
Lap Dance Pudding
Naughty, Spanked Lobster
Fellatio Alfredo
New England Man-Chowder
(made fresh daily in the VIP room)
Silicon-Stuffed Breast of Chicken
Banana Cream Pies
Jiggly Puff-Pastries
$50 Nachos
Cameltoe Soup
Crabs Etouffee
Poached Salmon with a Lemon-Dildo Sauce
Hush Pussies
Short 'n' Curly Fries


The Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines

Wimpy -- "I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today."
Foghorn Leghorn -- "Ah say, boy, ah say, you've got it all
wrong. Those little chickens you've been chasing around
are roosters. What you want is a big ol' hen, like me."
Bart Simpson -- "Eat my shorts, ma'am!"
Batman -- "Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me
and the Boy Wonder?"
Speedy Gonzales -- "Senorita, it's just a nickname!"
Pepe LePew -- "But, mon cherie -- I don't smell any worse
than anyone else in France."
Ross Perot -- "I'm worth $4 billion."
Porky Pig -- "L-L-Let's go back to my place and
f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu... hump."
Popeye -- "I'm strong to the finish 'cause I takes Viagra!"
Pinocchio -- "Hey, I *am* a woody!"
Underdog -- "My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are
pure and true, can I sniff your rear?"
Tweety Bird -- "I wuuuv to eat putty!"


I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
We're out of paper bags for your head again.
You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel
I was making love to Big Foot.
You're 20 bucks short.
We're out of gin again.
I used my last sponge for the dishes.
Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier
watching all those porno's.
Only if you put on this wig and act like a
Chinese hooker.
Your gynecologist just called. You still have
crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.
Before we get started I'd like to run down
and buy some handcuffs.
I know it's unusual but sometimes a period
does last a month!

I'm all out of condoms but I suppose I can
find one we already used.


10.If the date goes bad, changing your Screen
Name is easier then changing your real name.
9.Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8.If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake
up next to a keyboard.
7.You can exercise your offensive habits without
embarrassing yourself.
6.Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5.Your partner could have more of a personality
than your inflatable friends.
4.Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3.All guys look like George Clooney and
all women like Pamela Anderson.
2.They never have to know you live in your
parents basement.

1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

If Women Ruled The Earth

Women could have an "affair" and humiliate the man!

All male delivery guys would have a strict dresscode: Bikini briefs only!

Toilet seats would be spring loaded so they would always be down


Paychecks would be made out to the wife

The remote would always be at her chair


It would be mandatory for all men to ask for directions if they
have never been to a place!!

Soap Operas would NEVER be cancelled/delayed for Wimbledum or any other sporting event!


Weekend afternoons would have movies on TV INSTEAD of golf,racing, basketball, etc.!

Men would be required to wear a feminine pad whenever their wives/girlfriends got their "monthly" visitor!


Men would be required to pee INSIDE the toilet; not around thetoilet! Penalty would be the same as the dog who goes inside a house: RUB HIS NOSE IN IT!!!!

Automatic 3-day PMS leave. A win-win situation
"Mom-Spit" would be marketed as the next all purpose cleaner.


Women's public bathrooms would have 100 stalls so lines would be equal for men and women. Unfortunately, men's rooms would have to be as nasty as women's

There would be toilets just for men, with a bowl as big as a
bath tub (and self cleaning)

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