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A man spent six hours in a bar before rolling home to his wife blind drunk. "Where have you been?" she demanded. "I've been to this amazing bar," he slurred, rocking on his feet. "It's called the Golden Saloon and everything there is golden. At the front there are two huge golden doors, the floors are golden and even the urinals are golden." "What rubbish," snapped the wife. "don't believe a word of it." "Here," said the husband, rummaging in his pocket for a piece of paper, "Ring this number if you don't believe me." So the following day she phoned the number on the slip of paper. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asked. "It is," replied the bartender. "Tell me," said the wife, "do you have two huge golden doors at the front of the building?""Sure do," said the bartender. "And do you have golden floors?" "Yup," "What about golden urinals?" There was a long pause and then the wife heard the bartender yell: "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!". "Sure," said the drunk. "What do you want me to do?" "First I want you to go up to the burly bouncer on the door and knock him out cold; then I want you to pull a loose tooth belonging to Satan, the bulldog in the back room; and finally I want you to have sex with the town runaround who is sitting alone at the end of the bar." "No problem," said the drunk, levering himself off his stool. He staggered over to . the bouncer and, taking him by surprise, felled him with a single blow. The bartender was amazed and pointed to the back room where the bulldog was waiting. The drunk lurched through the door to the back room and the bartender waited to hear the commotion. Any second, he expected to see the drunk rush out, '~ hotly pursued by Satan. Instead there was silence. Then after a few minutes the dog" started barking. Five minutes later, the drunk emerged with a satisfied grin. "Right," he said." i "now where's the runaround with the loose tooth?"

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently I looking for something. A passer-by, being a good samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked. "My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement." The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch."Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by. "About half a block up the street," replied the drunk. "Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the - street?" The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."

A man was sitting outside a bar enjoying a quiet drink when a nun started lecturing him on the evils of alcohol."How do you know alcohol is evil?" said the man. "Have you ever tasted it?" "Of course not," answered the nun. "Then let me buy you a drink and, afterwards, if you still believe that it's evil, I promise I'll never touch another drop,"
"But I can't possibly be seen to be drinking," said the nun. "Right. Well, I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you." The man went inside and asked for a beer and a vodka. "And would you mind putting the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no," said the bartender. "It's not that bloody nun again, is it?" A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door. Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well. ",C The little man said: "I just did that." Is And the biker hit him.

A drunk rolled into a bar, but the bartender refused to serve him. "You've had too much to drink," he said. "I'm not serving you." Five minutes later, the drunk came in again. The bartender stood firm. "There's no way I'm serving you more alcohol. You've had more than enough already." Five minutes later, the doors opened and the drunk lurched in once more. "Look," said the bartender, "I'm not serving you. You're too drunk." The drunk nodded. "I guess I must be, " he said. "The last two places said the same thing."

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

A young stockbroker was unwinding in a bar after a hard week's work. He was in the mood for a bit of fun and so he announced: "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I'll give them 150 dollars." The bartender lined up the 20 pints on the bar, but there were no immediate: takers. Without saying a word, one man got off his stool, popped out, came back a ; few minutes later and declared that he could drink all 20. And to everyone's amazement he did. The stockbroker handed over the money and asked the man where he had nipped out to."Well," he said, "first I had to go to the bar next door to make sure I could do it!"

A short-sighted good samaritan was on his way home one evening when he . ; met a drunk slumped in the doorway of an apartment block. "Do you live here?" asked the samaritan, peering through his thick glasses. "Yeah," said the drunk. "On the second floor." "Would you like me to take you upstairs?" "Thanks."

The samaritan gingerly led the drunk up to the second floor but decided that he , didn't really want to face the wrath of an angry wife. So he opened the first door he" came to and pushed the drunk through it. Having done his good deed for the day, he went back downstairs where, to his surprise, he found another drunk. This man also said he lived on the second floor. so the samaritan led him slowly up the stairs, pushed him through the same door and went back down the stairs with the intention of completing his journey home. But when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he found yet another drunk who said he lived on the second floor. So the samaritan guided him up the stairs, pushed him through the same door and went back downstairs.

Once again a drunk was standing there, leaning against the wall and looking decidedly the worse for wear. But before the samaritan could do anything, the drunk I staggered over to a passing police officer and said: "Officer, protect me from this
man. He keeps taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

A drunk was eyeing up a woman in a bar. He said to the bartender: "I really fancy that woman. If I buy her a drink. will you send it over to her and say it's from me?" The bartender replied: "I ought to warn you she's a hooker. She'll do what you
want for money." So the drunk ambled over to the woman and asked: "Is it true you're a hooker?" "Yes," she said. "I do it for money. I'll do anything for 200 dollars." The drunk pulled out 200 dollars from his wallet, handed it to her and said: "Paint
my house."

A guy went out drinking every night of the week before rolling home drunk at midnight to a frosty welcome from his long-suffering wife. She was telling a friend about how unbearable the atmosphere was becoming between herself and her husband, and the friend suggested she try a different tack. She advised that instead of haranguing him when he got in, she should treat him with compassion. That night, the husband staggered in late as usual but this time he was greeted with a friendly kiss. She sat him in his favourite chair, brought him his slippers and made him a nice cup of tea. He could hardly believe it. Where were the insults and accusations? After a while she said: "It's getting late now, dear. I think we'd better go upstairs to bed." "We might as well," slurred the husband. "I'll be in trouble when I get home anyway."

Two guys were sitting in a bar in Dublin when one turned to the other and said: "You see that chap over there? Don't you think he looks just like me?" The man went over to his doppelganger and said: "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that you're a dead ringer for me." "You're right, I do look like you." "Where are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too." "Which street?" "Kilfoyle Road." "Kilfoyle Road? That's incredible. That's my road too. What number?" "76." "76. I don't believe it. Me too. What are your parents' names?" "Joe and Kitty." "Joe and Kitty. Unbelievable. So are mine." Just then, the bartenders changed shifts. "Anything happened?" said the new bartender. "Nothing much," said the old one. "Oh, except the Murphy twins are drunk again."

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